adoption ponderings

This post may be a little controversial but these are the things on my mind this morning..

So as an 'adoptive parent in process' I have encountered a couple of things lately that, if truth be told, I knew were coming but still took me, to a degree, by surprise. But as I've thought about both things a little further, they lend themselves to some interesting dialogue.

Event number one:
I'm sitting at Breakfast with Santa this past weekend chatting with a perfectly nice lady. She proceeds to randomly tell me 'the funniest thing' she saw on television the other night on a sitcom. A couple had adopted a baby girl from China and named her Lilly. The joke of this situation on the show, was 'why would an American name their "Oriental" (yes, her description) daughter a name she wouldn't be able to pronounce properly" She then proceeded to laugh hysterically as she told this to me.

Now here is what went on inside my head:
"Is she serious? Do I now tell her in this moment that I'm adopting from Korea and make her feel totally ignorant and subsequently bad for saying that to me? Do I smile at this to be polite? (I did not) Do I get all huffy about this? (I did not) Is this really still funny to alot of people? (apparantly it is) WOW." Obviously, that cut close to home.
Ready for the really honest part? - If I had no ties to international adoption, what THEN would I have done or felt?

And this is a perfect example of how deciding to adopt internationally makes you completely and totally soul-search. To reflect on everything you've been pre-programmed to accept at any point in your life. (For the record, I don't really think it's funny- adopting or not. But I think it's a classic example of some of the things we, our family, as well as our Seoul-baby will encounter.)

Event two: There is this new show on ABC called Find My Family. It reunites adult adoptees with their birth families. Now, I've watched this show and I'll admit it is a tear jerker. What's interesting to me are alot of my friends are telling me to "watch it" and "it's so good"..here's the rub. I think this show is a bit one-sided and borderline exploitative. If this is the common view of adoption, then we still have a long way to go. For one, the title is terrible. It's as if these adoptees don't have a *family* until they find their first family- or- I will be just a 'holding tank' for my child until they can one day get back to Korea to be reunited with their birth family. Secondly, we don't get to see the big picture- we don't get to see the life the adoptee has had w/ their adoptive family and the emotions involved there up until that point. We also don't get to see what happens after the reunion. The emotions of adoption are complicated and this show makes them a little too simple.

Adoption is a story of loss and gain. Loss of the first mother, loss of a potential culture and heritage. Loss of a child. I am not discounting the feelings and importance of a birth mother. In fact, it's one of the things Seoul-daddy and I considered deeply in our decision to adopt. If our child wants to find his/her birth parents one day, they will have our total support and resources. We look at it as part of the deal.

But we will be parenting this child. We cannot change circumstances of other cultures and countries that sometimes give a mother NO OPTION but to relinquish a child. We can pray for them. And my husband and I can vow to love that child..as our own. NO we cannot own a child. I do not own my other two children, even though they came from me.

We are entrusted these children to raise them to their fullest, God-given potential.

They may make decisions that do not include me one day. I accept that. But I am their parent. I am their family. Seoul-baby is getting a family when he or she comes home! (a pretty great one I think..) and we are getting another family member!

Families go beyond blood type and DNA.

But even above all of this, I don't think this show fully touches on the emotions that adoptees feel as they grow up. Some feel the need to know their birth families. Some do not. Their emotions can be complicated and there can be a pull in both directions. It is our prayer that we accept those emotions if they arise but give this child such love and security, not only in our home but in the One who loves them more than anybody, that they will always know they have a place where they belong. To simplify all of what I've just touched on, plus so much more that I haven't in a one hour show designed to have people crying..I'm not sure how I feel about it.

In this show,and in public perception is the birth family's story more of a draw because it involves loss? Why not show the complete 'triangle'? Why is it implied that a family that raises a child is not completely the *true* family? "You may raise the child but in the end that DNA will trump you.." hmmm...

In a perfect world, all children would be born into loving homes with parents 100% able to care for them. Sadly, that is not the case. And as a Christian, I've been called to not look the other way. To step in and fill a gap.

I'm sure I will be faced with much, much more as this journey continues. I can't help but think of what a privilege it is to know and raise Seoul-girl and Seoul-boy. I look forward to cherishing Seoul-baby for his uniqueness, too. I can't speak for all birth mothers, nor would I be so arrogant to do so, but I do know that if I were in a situation where I could no longer care for the children I do have- if there was no other way- I would want parents for them who would love them as much as I do. And then in turn, their story would become important too. To my child and to me.
Complicated questions. Complicated answers. And again, I simply must trust the One who knows them all..
enjoy your day! -sm

Adoption process update-Adoption Journal

Adoption update!

We received our I-600A Clearance approval in the mail on Friday-yippee!! In plain English, this means that Homeland Security has found us 'fit' to adopt an orphan from another country, specifically South Korea. So we are one step closer! We are right in the middle of our 10 hour adoption training. Basically, it's South Korea's move, kids..
Interestingly, I have been decorating for Christmas this past weekend and I've noticed a mental shift with myself. For instance, putting up our stockings, I found myself making a mental note that we need to get 'one more'..decorating our tree, I thought, 'hey- we need an adoption ornament on here!' (I have ornaments commemorating EVERYTHING)..we decorated two gingerbread houses this weekend, one for each child and I thought to myself, 'next year we'll have 3 houses!'.....JUST GENERAL STUFF LIKE THAT. I'm already starting to prepare room for our number #3!
So hooray, hoor-ah, we're moving along and that is a very nice start to my week. Hope yours is off to a nice start, too!

Thanksgiving

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!!
(check out my bird..I'm a lil' tad bit proud of it BECAUSE it's my first one I've ever cooked..)



I hope your day was blessed! -sm

Day 13 and 14 and 15 for that matter

This little virus has really taken me out..I thought I was getting better only to relapse on Thursday afternoon. Still hanging in there though. I've been making a mental list of what I'm thankful for each day even though I haven't checked in for the past 3 days.
Here they are:
Day 13- I was thankful for great parents in my kids' classroom. I'm a room mom to BOTH of my kids' classes. Now before you say wow or anything..basically that makes me a little insane in the brain to do that!! It's fun though and I enjoy it. Lately, in my daughter's class we've had alot going on- lots of behind the scenes organizing and I'm really thankful that the parents at my kids' school are so willing to pitch in and help with what needs to be done. It makes a difference!! I'm also thankful for the lovely ladies who are co-room moms with me in both classes. All are go getters with servant hearts. I've enjoyed getting to know them all.
Day 14- I was thankful for the opportunity to be a little creative yesterday. I'm already working on our Christmas decorating and I'm doing a couple of new projects for this year. We are hosting a couple of parties at our home this season so I get a little crazy with the decorating! I love Christmas and I was very thankful that my dear husband recognized that I was 'in the mode' yesterday and let me craft away the afternoon. Good for my soul!
Today Day 15- I am thankful for my church. It is far from perfect. Some things I really love about it. Some things I wonder about. Doesn't matter though- I read an article the other day about someone in another part of the world who was sneaking around just to attend a worship service in the basement of a building with a dirt floor. We don't have to do that here. And no matter how big or small your church is, how often you meet budget or not, how awesome worship is or how many glitches happen in the programming, we still worship the same God whose presence comes and joins us each Sunday. I love how Sundays feel after I've worshipped God in the morning. THANKFUL!!
I suppose in spite of being so sick, I have found myself feeling...well, happy. Is my life perfect? nope. are there things going on that are hard and make me sad? yep. But in spite of that stuff, it's true. I'm happy.
What about you? What are you thankful for today? Find something and give thanks!!

Attitude of Gratitude- Day 12

I must say that I have been blessed with some good girlfriends. I was thinking about them and how they've added so much to my life over the years-we've been on many, many adventures!! (Probably some that should not be spoken, much less written, about!!)
I have a girlfriend who is a teacher, many who are mommies, a couple who are not (and want it to stay that way), one who is an actress in LA, one who is an impeccable dresser, one who is a singer, one who knows exactly the right advice to give, one who is an author, one who is an executive, one who has had so many careers that I've lost count, one who is extremely organized, one who couldn't find her head if it weren't attached to her body, one who is a nurse, a couple who fly the friendly skies, one who is a little neurotic but I love her anyway, one who is wickedly funny, one who talks alot, one who is struggling right now, one who'd I like to know better, one who is my partner in crime, one who is my confidant, one who is endlessly optimistic, one who loans me books, one who has known me for almost 30 years, a couple who have known me for 20, one who is now travelling more than I ever did, one who believes completely in my dreams and encourages me to try, one who gets exactly where I'm coming from, one who is a domestic goddess, several who are not, one who is very shy and one who is extremely athletic and daring.

(I'll bet if any of them are reading this, they're trying to figure out who's who up there!!)
But actually, alot of those descriptions fit several of them.
They are all beautiful women to me, inside and out! Some I am extremely close to, some I used to be close to, some I miss. But I still include them all in my circle of friends. They've laughed with me through the fun and happy times, cried with me through the tough ones and simply all together enrich my life daily. They are part of the fabric of my life! So on Day 12, I am thankful for all the girlfriends that God has placed in my life- presently and in the past.

I hope God has given you a special friend..you are blessed if you have one!

Attitude of Gratitude- Day 11

I don't want my words to get in the way of what I'm thankful for today. Because quite frankly, they will fall short. I am so thankful for all the brave men and women of our country who have served and do serve in our country's military. What you do and have done has enabled me to do what I do everyday. You are very appreciated by our family and your sacrifice to us all is huge. I have several veterans in my extended family (one of whom is no longer with us)..you have all blessed my life. Thank you and God bless our veterans!

Attitude of Gratitude- Day 10

I have these two critters that hang around my house..you've read about them: Seoul-Roy and Seoul-Rat.

Seoul-Roy is old and is quite attached to me. We bonded in a PetSmart parking lot about 11 years ago and have had quite a friendship ever since then. He had a tumultuous first two years with us and then mellowed out. His favorite past time is lounging and he's really good at it. Seoul-Rat was also found in a parking lot- a mall lot- after almost getting run over by the car in front of me. She was only 6 weeks old, too young to be away from her mother. That lucky duck found a home with us, too although she's been a little more feisty and challenging. Still, we love her and she definitely has put a little spring in Seoul-Roy's steps.

We're dog people. I heard an expression once- never trust anyone who doesn't love a dog. I like that. (although, yes, I know some of you DON'T like animals at all..you really should give a dog a try..) We especially like spotted dogs and that's why these two fit in so well with us. They're pretty loyal and being sick, like I have been, it's pretty great to snuggle up with the both of them. I think they innately know when one of their 'peeps' isn't 100%. They are extra sweet and cuddly.

So today on Day 10, I'm thankful for my dogs. They've cost me a ga-jillion dollars over the years, make me vacuum almost daily, and try to sneak up on the bed when I'm not around but I think we'll keep them. After all, loyal friends are worth keeping around..